I would like to address, for a moment, the idea that people should pray for everything. That all bad things that happen to people and all bad people themselves should be prayed for. As if this will somehow fix the problems that human beings have created and make the world a happy, fruity-smelling place. As if this passive aggressive way of telling Dad to listen is anything more than annoying and itch-inducing. Listen…as I’ve said before, it gets really noisy up here with all the damn prayers pouring in all the time. In fact, we had to hire a crew of Prayer Monitors just to sift through all the bullshit and pass along the really important prayers such as, “Please send me boobs.” Over time, we have created a tough and thorough filtering process in order to ensure that only the most important prayers get through to the big guy. Let me note at this time that you should never pray to me, because I simply don’t care. Until Dad retires and puts me in charge, I’m not answering shit…except the ones involving boobs.
Remember this process before wasting your time with a silly prayer. The filtering process goes as follows:
1. Does the prayer matter?
-Think very long and hard about this one, and please do not take the first part of this sentence into Penisland. Is the prayer you are about to send out really worth God’s time? Are you asking for something useful, or are you just selfishly asking for an A on a test you failed to study for? Is this a prayer that is going to interest God, or are you simply asking that the Raiders not suck quite so many dicks this week? If your prayer is mundane and pointless, then don’t bother asking it. If I had my way, your prayer would be returned with a bucket of an old man’s butt hair.
2. Is the prayer obtainable?
-Is this a prayer that will affect your life in a positive way, or is it a prayer that will change the course of the entire planet? Solving world hunger sounds fantastic when it’s discussed by Apple-fucking hipsters at the local mom and pop coffee shop, but when applied to the real world, it simply means too many fucking people living on the planet. The planet can only support so many living creatures. This has nothing to do with Heavenly powers or being all-knowing. It is a simple understanding that the cage just isn’t big enough for that many hamsters. As sad as that is, it is a fact. In time, maybe some of you can fly off to another one of our Petri dish planets and ruin that one too.
3. Do you deserve it?
-Are you really deserving of an answered prayer, or are you just a pile of boogers? No, Charles Manson, we will not answer your prayer for a record deal. Stop asking. Along with that, does the person you are praying for deserve it? No, we will not show mercy on a murderer. I don’t care how “sick” he was. He was also a dick face.
4. Does the prayer involve boobs?
-These prayers get an automatic second look.
There you have it. That is the official process of prayer filtering. Please keep it in mind when you are sending your thoughts up at night. It will make things a whole lot easier. Be enlightened.
-Jesus H Christ