Unanswered Prayers

Imagine it is bedtime for millions of children, old people, and three-legged mutant Korean converts. Each of these little human critters crouches down on their cracking, possibly scabbed knees with the intention of sucking God’s enormous furry cock. Of course, this is my slightly vulgar way of referring to the act of prayer by the human race…or at least what it has become. Now imagine that the human race does this only when it has something worth asking. How refreshing would that be? This is not, however, how the human race sees things. To mankind, this is a time for the human soul to ask for forgiveness and beg with unwavering determination for the granting of wishes and good tidings. It is one last effort before submitting to the will of slumber to ask God for some shit that is probably not deserved. This is prayer.

Regardless of what you may have been told, God does not hear every prayer…and if it’s football season, He probably doesn’t hear most prayers. As I mentioned previously, He has a team of Prayer Monitors (seven of them) that sit in an office all day and observe the prayers of the human race over a series of outdated televisions. These Prayer Monitors filter through hours and hours of misguided desires, weeping cries for salvation, and wishes that seem to have been molded out of some type of utter nonsense Play-Doh, with the single goal of finding the prayers that matter. 

At first glance, this may seem like an easy task, but imagine for a moment that you are one of these monitors, and you have just sifted through the selfish thoughts of ten million lost souls. You may just want to shove some Lincoln Logs up your ass and call it a day.

Little Timmy Huxby from Iowa has asked God for a new bicycle every day for the past three weeks. Little Timmy does not realize that God is not a Toys R Us employee, and no one in Heaven gives a shit about his desire to be cool. In fact, Little Timmy should be thankful that God didn’t allow him to jump off his shitty homemade plywood ramp and crash face-first into that hill of angry, horny fire ants who have a hard on for stupid little boys. Unfortunately, Little Timmy Huxby will never understand this, and will continue to pray for a new bicycle until his parents finally give him one, thus reinforcing his misunderstanding that God gave a shit about his stupid prayer.

This sort of thing happens all the time. People are willing to pray until the world ends and molten rock spews from gaping wounds in the Earth onto the streets of our cities. Their belief that God cares about their desires and wishes will remain unwavering even after society has been destroyed and the rebuilding has begun. Then, as a man stumbles across a broken street in search for food, he will be offered a job as a corpse disposal worker, and he will believe that God has finally answered his prayer for a new job. As if God took a break from reruns of Sons Of Anarchy and the latest Halo in order to play rock, paper, scissors with Himself and decide which person out of the millions deserves a job. That man will praise God and the rest of the jobless will go on praying with the belief that their time will come. Well, I’m here to tell you it won’t. It can’t. There are just too many damn prayers out there.

If you want to have your prayer answered, be creative. I suggest praying for the power to deafen people with your farts, or for an idea for humiliating Allah (My dad doesn’t get along with him lately). God loves things like this. Do not waste your prayer on the love of a woman whose tits are larger than your worth, or for a cure for your cancer. God is a creator, not a scientist. Pray to Bill Nye for that.

The bottom line is, give God something that he WANTS to grant. After all, he has heard an unfathomable amount of prayers during the course of history, and one more wish for victory in a football game will just make his eye twitch and his ass hurt. I have taken it upon myself to write out a quick list of good prayer ideas. Feel free to use them to gain God’s attention:

1. The power to repel the opposite sex. Not only repel them, but make them slightly ill.

2. Extremely smelly elbow creases. I’m talking so smelly, NATO has to get involved.

3. A zombie invasion. Dad loves zombies. That’s why I’m his favorite son.

4. Another shitty US President. For some reason, He really likes to grant this one.

5. Sex with Kim Kardashian. Why not? Everyone else has. Some may just have to preface this with a “make me black” prayer.

Each of these is obtainable either because they are absurd and will gain my father’s attention, or because they are so easily obtained, you may not even need His help. Aiming low is not always a bad idea. You just may find yourself happier and with fulfilled prayers.

The lesson here, my children, is that God is not here to grant whatever foolish wish you want. He is also not here to be bothered until your desire comes true. If you want a prayer to be answered, then be creative, or aim far too low to fail. And stop bitching so damn much. Remember, Jesus loves you…kinda.

Say something!