Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Hello, chums and chumettes…

It has been a while since I have written a review for a movie, which mostly has to do with my presence on the podcast Unlicensed Film Reviewers. I have a delightful time recording, so check it out if you get a chance.

Apart from that, I watched a little-known horror movie called Clown that could have been great if it didn’t suck. Let’s dig deeper…

Clown tells the story of a father who wears a clown suit for his son’s birthday party, only to find that it is not simply an innocent little costume. This sounds like a quality movie, right? I bet there wasn’t any hesitation when the writers first pitched it. Who thinks of this shit? What a terrible fucking idea. Then again, here I am sitting on my couch writing a review for a movie while Christopher Ford and Jon Watts write for a living.

Wait…it took TWO writers for this enchanted clown suit movie?

Jesus Halford Christ.

Clown stars a bunch of people you probably don’t care about along with Peter Stormare, who you might sort of remember. The acting is pretty decent, especially for a lesser-known horror movie, and there weren’t too many moments that were drenched in cheese for no reason. This is a strong quality for a movie of this nature. Normally, they would just hire a bunch of actors from some community theater in Burbank who keep telling you about that one commercial the back of their head was in when they were five years old.

The story is unoriginal and forced, and it seems like it could have been written by anyone with access to a stupid person. However, this does not kill the movie. We often expect this with lower-budget horror, and the good aspects of this movie keep it afloat (barely).

The violence and gore is a step up from what we often see in these films. The visual effects were pretty good, and it made the movie more fun. Clown was violent, with plenty of gore to quench your thirst for child-death. Actually, that is something I appreciated about this movie. It often feels like movies avoid killing children or pets. Not Clown! Being a child or a pet makes you extra dead!

Overall, Clown is not a great film, but it is a watchable horror movie. Apart from a shit story, the acting and visual effects make it an acceptable way to spend an otherwise uneventful evening. If I am being completely honest, this movie is about a hundred times better than It Follows, which received plenty of undeserving buzz (fucking terrible). All in all, Clown is not the worst horror film. It just isn’t very good either. I give it a two and a half out of five.