Jurassic World

Rating 3.5 out of 5

Along with pretty much everyone else on the planet, I saw Jurassic World this week. I saw it so hard. Let me give you the premise: Dinosaurs. What more needs to be said?

Fair enough…a bit more it is.

Let me start by saying I highly enjoyed this movie. Yes, it was splattered with plot holes, nostalgia just for the sake of nostalgia, and dinosaur MMA. However, these things could not take away from how much fun I was having being splooged with stupid science. It was a situation where I had to sit back, relax, and let my inner child run free (even more than the fucker already does).

I went into this movie thinking it was going to stink like fresh baby poop on a paper plate sitting on a pile of rotting bodies surrounded by old cheese…and that assumption probably helped me enjoy it. It was not an amazing movie by any stretch of the imagination. It is not going to win any of the big awards, and it is not going to be revered as a classic two hundred years from now when I am finally old enough to drink fiber. It is not the juggernaut that Jurassic Park was. You must understand that it is not meant to be any of those things. It is meant to be an escape that brings us first into a wondrous world where we can see and interact with dinosaurs, and then shows us what happens when we cannot control the power of our scientific abilities. If you go into the movie intending to have fun, you will.

The movie stars Chris Pratt as Owen, the stereotypical hero of the film. I just gave you the best description possible: Stereotypical Hero. He’s witty, he’s handsome, and he can control velociraptors. Come to think of it, I wish I had that particular combination of attributes. Move over ladies, here comes the living vibrator.

He was stereotypical without bothering me. I found his humor and his cheesy lines to be rather charming, which is unusual for me. I generally leave those types of films wanting to piss on everything in anger. Maybe he is just that likeable of a person. The rest of the cast seemed to be there just so Chris Pratt had some people to interact with. They were all fine. I do, however, love Vincent D’Onofrio. He always has the unique ability to play a fantastic piece of shit. I love him in everything.

I have mentioned before how much CGI (computer-generated imagery) is overused and how much it bothers me. Now, I don’t know if this crew was particularly skilled in the art of making me believe, but I did. The animals and environment looked great. It was the best CGI I have seen in quite some time.

Can we talk about Chris Pratt’s gang of velociraptors for a moment? What the fuck…

How do they go from being so volatile to fighting with him against a genetically mutated super-dinosaur? Did I miss something? Did Cesar Milan show up in a deleted scene and diddle their butts to calm them down or something? It made about as much sense as Kanye West.

Then there was the epic MMA match between Tyrannosaurus Rex and the super-dinosaur (we’ll call him Asshole). So T-Rex shows up to save the day as the worst hero in history and Asshole throws a quick combo of punches, and then hip-tosses Rex onto the ground before laying on a little ground and pound. All it was missing was the voice of Joe Rogan and terrible pizza.

After all that, I was left with a “We cool?” moment that gave me a hemorrhoid. I don’t want to spoil anything, but you’ll notice it when it happens because you will slap yourself on the forehead. My head still hurts from the bludgeoning of stupidity. There were more irritating moments like that, and you just might cringe a little inside when you see them.

I know that bit above makes this movie seem like a shit show, but it wasn’t. Even those moments were entertaining, because I watched the movie for what it was: an action/adventure about fucking dinosaurs! Well…not FUCKING dinosaurs…that would probably be illegal. It is strange that even after writing these negative things, I still feel like I want to watch it again. I suppose that indicates how fascinating Jurassic World was as a whole. The environment, humor, CGI, nostalgia, and adventure more than make up for the negative things I mentioned.

I had a lot of fun watching this movie. It was nowhere near the quality of Jurassic Park, but there was nothing they could do to achieve that. It was, however, much better than either of the other two sequels in my opinion. I also want to see Chris Pratt as Nathan Drake in a movie based on the Uncharted video game series. Feel free to make that happen. Go see this movie. Let your inner child go out and play. I give it 3.5 out of 5.

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