No Escape

Rating: 4 out of 5

This week, I watched the film No Escape as I fought off dizziness and vomitus thoughts. In other words, I am a pussy and get motion sickness over nothing. The movie stars ol’ penis nose Owen Wilson, Pierce Brosnan, and Lake Bell in the story of an American family trapped overseas in the middle of a coup. It is a movie with an extremely uncomplicated premise, and that is not a bad thing.

The movie does not waste time before setting our protagonists on their journey of survival as an entire country attempts to hack them into little itty bitty pieces. That is not unusual for this type of FUBAR movie, and it helps to immerse the viewer in the chaos that is occurring. I liked its fast-paced action, and I did not think it was missing anything. These movies are not made to be deep, probing, or overly thoughtful. They are made to be entertaining and intense. No Escape is little more than an escape. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

I enjoyed the performances quite a lot despite the interesting casting choices. Owen Wilson’s goofiness actually set the movie up better for the intense turmoil that was waiting around the corner. Because these movies generally provide little set up, Owen’s personality helped to quickly lower the guard of the viewer before all hell broke loose. Now, the characters were admittedly simplistic and lacked real depth, but the performances were good enough and the movie was entertaining enough to make up for those shortcomings. Brosnan’s character was obviously extremely important and intriguing to anyone watching, and it was a shame that we knew so little about him. It was like they did not want to bog down the simple minds of the public by giving them anything more than running, yelling, and shooting.

As I said at the beginning, this damn movie made me motion sick. They used shaky hand-held cameras to capture an element of chaos that quickly went from nauseating to irritating. It was overdone and bothersome, and I would have rather been strangled with a horse’s wiener. It made the movie hard to watch. Again…I am just a pussy though.

The biggest negative attribute of this movie was the audience. Clearly, the filmmakers somehow brainwashed idiots into wanting to see this movie, because I was surrounded by them in the theater. Perhaps I am an idiot as well. That could be why I wanted to see it. It is all becoming so clear now! This theater had it all: Loud, middle-aged, obese ice chewers; old meth addicted weirdos who whispered in their yelling voices; couples that shushed people loudly and then proceeded to talk to each other throughout the entire damn movie; people who were so messy, they somehow turned their row into an orchestra of crumbly, crunchy nonsense…basically everyone in the world that should just be put down was there. It was one of those movie experiences.

The movie was bloody, fast-paced, and entertaining. It prayed on the fears of being an outsider in a hostile place and kept the action going until the very end. Though simple and relatively typical, I enjoyed it. I give No Escape four out of five.