Pan/Goodnight Mommy

Pan – Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Goodnight Mommy – Rating: 3 out of 5

Sometimes you see a movie because you have been looking forward to it for weeks, months, or even years. Other times, you see a movie simply because your fucking wife wants to. Needless to say, that is why I saw Pan this week.

This movie did not interest me from the moment I first saw the trailer. It looked silly to me. Silly even for a children’s movie. Even though I have always been a Disney fan and a fan of the cartoon we all grew up with, I still could not bring myself to be excited for this movie. Still, the wife wanted to see it and she wears the pants in the house. My level of power is roughly…short shorts. So I sat my cynical ass down and tried to enjoy Pan.

The movie features Hugh Jackman as the villain Blackbeard and Rooney Mara as…well…a white native person with an English accent…weird…

In fact, she was apparently from a tribe that featured every race of people other than people that looked or sounded like natives. I guess Neverland really is a whimsical place.
I suppose that did not bother me too much. However, what did bother me was the random singing/chanting of Smells Like Teen Spirit by Blackbeard and his army of ruffians. Combine that with the later belting of Blitzkrieg Bop and you have the makings of a confused, less creative Moulin Rouge. It was unnecessary, unneeded, and downright annoying. I assume they were appealing to older music fans, so maybe I would have grown excited if everyone started screaming the words to a Judas Priest or Metallica song. That did not happen, so we shall never know.

I found the story to be “almost good.” It started out fine and I enjoyed the visuals. I also enjoyed Hugh Jackman’s performance. Unfortunately, the story quickly dive bombed into the realm of “I don’t give a fuck.” Our little Peter did a fine job acting, but his character was made to be a little whiny bitch, and it made me wonder why Blackbeard did not simply put his sword through his neck ten minutes into the film. It was not like Peter was going to stop him. He was just going to stand there pouting and crying about how he is never going to bow to the pirate villain.

Even when Peter finally discovered his true identity and powers, he had fairies do all of his dirty work. He just hovered around with a smug look on his face and I hoped someone would fart and gas him to death. I really tried to like this movie, and I even had moments in the first half where I thought, “Do I like this?” However, it was not meant to be. I left that movie unfulfilled and irritated that Pan was the worst protagonist that ever lived. I give Pan one and a half out of five.

I also saw the German horror film Goodnight Mommy this week. The movie combines a bunch of German actors that amazing people like us in ‘Merica don’t care about because ‘Merica. Really though, they were just some foreign people I had never seen before. They did a good job though! In particular, the twins were quite haunting in their performances.

The movie tells the story of twin boys who move into a new home with their mother after she has cosmetic surgery on her face. More and more as they interact with her, they realize it is not the mother they remember. It is quite an interesting premise, and a fun story. There were some great visuals and decisions that were made with camera angles that created creepy moments and uneasy visuals. I enjoyed a lot of this movie. However, it was about an hour too damn long. I just kept waiting and waiting for things to get explained and for the exciting bits to show up. They definitely came, but it was almost too late. I was bored when the movie got good.

When the movie did turn itself up to eleven, I enjoyed it quite a lot. Without giving too much away, it was violent, sadistic, and downright mean. Everything I look for in my entertainment (not really). The thing that made it feel too long was the fact that the twist was extremely easy to predict. For me, this isn’t usually a bad thing, because I practice a mentality where I completely ignore the signs in an attempt to remain surprised and soak in the movie as it is. With this movie, when I realized what the twist was, I couldn’t stop thinking about it and wondering when it was going to present itself. That is ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT. I hate that.

There were some stupid moments as well. For instance, Red Cross shows up at one point and just walks the fuck in because they feel like it. Apparently, it is customary in Germany to walk into people’s unlocked houses and conduct welfare checks on them. Pointless and annoying.

Overall, I enjoyed Goodnight Mommy, but it definitely had some flaws that needed to be addressed. The payoff in the end, though entertaining, was lessened by the fact that the journey to that point was too fucking long. Cut a half hour out of the beginning, explain a few more things, and this movie would have been great. With that in mind, I give it a three out of five.