Ted 2

Rating: 2 out of 5

This week, I had the pleasure of seeing Ted 2 in theaters. I say pleasure because it sometimes feels good to torture yourself. I guess it is the masochism found in us all. Make no mistake, it was torture. The U.S. should look into playing it on a loop for high level terrorists until either they suffer a butthole implosion or they give up all of their info.

It may seem as though I am being too harsh, but the mistakes in this movie simply cannot be ignored. In fact, the mistakes are so rampant and so great; I can only assume this movie was made simply to rob the consumer of time and money. I know I left the theater feeling that something had been stolen from me. My dignity…my money…my heartginity.

Let me explain.

I have never been a Seth MacFarlane fan. I have always thought the writing on Family Guy was terrible, and that viewers were forced to sit through dying jokes and copout flashbacks just to be peppered with a few genuinely funny things here and there. To me, Seth MacFarlane’s humor has done nothing but provide support to the idea that Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park are complete and utter geniuses. So thank you Seth for that.
The first Ted movie was fine. I didn’t think it was great, but I didn’t mind it. I could watch it again and laugh. This was helped greatly by the fact that I am a child, and a talking vulgar teddy bear is something I would kill entire countries for (maybe I should have been the villain). Still, much of the humor was juvenile and irritating, and it made the movie just so-so.

Ted 2 follows up by using the same adorable vulgar teddy bear in a watered-down, inexcusably stupid story. The Disney channel could have come up with a better plot. I would’ve rather watched Teen fucking Beach 2 or some shit. That is probably a better sequel. The movie could not decide if it wanted to be a shitty frat-boy comedy or a shitty courtroom comedy, and this was probably because both were terrible fucking ideas. Seth MacFarlane might as well have shown up at the theater at just farted in everyone’s mouth. It would have left a better taste than this movie.

There was nothing wrong with the acting. I enjoyed everyone. Wahlberg is always fun and Amanda Seyfried is somehow extremely sexy in her golem-esque ways. Oh, the thoughts…

Even MacFarlane is always fine as a voice actor. His natural voice is cool, and his voices (though all very similar) work for the characters.

The problems with this movie were far beyond the portrayals of the actors. It simply felt like MacFarlane didn’t give a shit about making a quality sequel. He just wanted to show that he could make money by slapping his fans in the face over and over again with his squishy, damp little wiener until everyone was left feeling confused and in need of a hug and ice cream. Needless to say, he accomplished his goal.

Now, you may wonder why I still gave it two out of five instead of trashing it completely. Simply put, I also watched A Serbian Film that day. If you’ve seen that “film,” you know that even Ted 2 deserves more credit than that. Also, regardless of anything else, Ted 2 still has an adorable bear as its main character. That is always worth something.

Don’t bother with Ted 2 unless you like feeling like a useless human being or you generally want to gag on Seth MacFarlane’s swamp wiener. I give it a two out of five.

Say something!