Greetings, children. The year of twenty and fifteen has come to an end, and I feel it is appropriate to present my picks for the best and worst movies of this past year. Now, some of you may be questioning my qualifications. Well, I saw An American Tale in theaters when I was a child, so…there is my resume. Overall, 2015 was a spectacular year for film. It is now a pleasure to sit and write as I reflect on everything I have seen, even if it is only my self-indulgent way of showing how important my opinion is. I did not see everything, but I saw enough to make me an expert in life. So sick back with a chalice of chocolate milk and a platter of boobs and enjoy Sir Chase’s Best and Worst of 2015.
Michael B. Jordan took the legacy of the Rocky franchise and carried it like a torch of delicious baked cookies into the future. Match that with a stellar performance by Stallone and you have my number 5 movie for 2015.
4. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
The Star Wars franchise was in a coma for years. It was on life support and was being fed chicken noodle soup through a tube in its belly button while its family sat next to it and cried while reading fan fiction out loud. It was hurting. We were hurting. Then The Force Awakens was debuted and the world was right again.
3. The Revenant
Survival. Revenge. Nature. Violence. It was like watching a beautiful ballet of hillbilly death. Not to mention the magnificent work of Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hardy.
2. Mad Max: Fury Road
It was perhaps the manliest fucking movie I have ever seen. It was beautifully shot, featured wonderfully creative characters, and the most kickass female of the year. It was tits in movie-form.
My favorite movie of 2015 was Sicario. It took on a very real, very present topic, and it did so in a way that (apparently unexpectedly) made me want to go work for the CIA and destroy the Cartels. It was war and it was dirty. I loved it.
If I wanted to watch a shitty fantasy version of Moulin Rouge, I would have watched Moulin Rouge. I did not give a fuck about anything in this movie.
4. Pitch Perfect 2
2015 was full of shitty sequels (I avoided Alvin and the Chipmunks at all costs). Pitch Perfect 2 is the first one on this list. It was one of those movies where my wife got mad at me for making constant comments about how stupid everything was. What the fuck was the point in having the god damn Packers in it? I mean, Clay Matthews is a specimen of a man, but still…
3. Sinister 2
Shit story. Shit acting. Shit characters. Shit scares. Shitty shit shit shit. I would have rather had a puma shit in between my toes than watch this shitty shit.
2. Knock, Knock
Surprise! Another Keanu Reeves movie that sucks! Everything about it was pointless, despite having a premise that could have been at least sort of interesting if they put just a little effort in (and cast someone less fucking boring). Honestly, the only reason it was not the worst movie of the year is because the majority of it featured attractive naked women. Still, boobs could not save this movie from being one of the worst movies of 2015.
1. Ted 2
Yes…Ted 2 is the worst movie of 2015. Why? Because Seth MacFarlene made it. The majority of the film becomes a courtroom drama about why a talking stuffed bear deserves the same rights as a human. Need I say more? It was basically terrorism.
There you have it. I did not see everything, but this is the best and worst of what I saw. Here’s to a splendid 2016!