Tomorrowland

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

This last week, I ventured to the local money trap known as the movie theater and sat down in a seat that reclined so little, it insulted me down to my very core. Southwest Airlines allows for a better movie viewing experience. I wanted to pee on everything in protest, but I thought the seven-year-olds in front of me would not have appreciated it.

Regardless, I always enjoy a trip to the theater.

This time, I tasked myself with watching Disney’s new soon-to-be classic Tomorrowland (because Disney could release a movie about adventurous turds and it would be considered a classic…and I would see it twice). The film stars George Clooney as some cool old guy, Hugh Laurie as some bad old guy, and Raffey Cassidy as an adorable robot with a black belt in ass beating. Now, one may read that brief description and be intrigued. After all, it is Clooney…and House…and robot! However, I encourage you to throw your glee aside and step back into the sludge of reality.

This movie is just “OK.”

Let me discuss what I liked first, because the movie is not a complete crock pot of shit. It’s really more of a plastic bowl of shit. I enjoyed the action sequences of the movie. They were quite intense and fun and surprised me in that I was watching them in a children’s movie. Watching a little robot girl flip through the air while beating the crap out of other robots was more entertaining than I could have dreamed of. Someone needs to go ahead and make that a sport, because I would pay a lot of money to watch it. I imagine a cross between MMA and Wild and Crazy Kids. Bas Rutten could host.

The reason this was so entertaining can be attributed to the fact that Disney did not overdue the special effects. They left it just grounded enough to feel real and justified any inhuman actions by using a robot. I appreciated the restraint that the director and the crew used in not diving into the ridiculous for no reason. The movie was also well acted. I particularly enjoyed little Raffey Cassidy, who brought life to the robot Athena. She brought humor and feeling to an inhuman role and was spot on. Of course, Clooney was fine in his typical role as George Clooney.

Now, let us discuss the things I did not like…

First of all, the story was so formulaic; it felt like it had been written by two eight-year-olds during a sleepover. We’re talking three in the morning and high on Sour Patch Kids. Granted, almost all movies follow the same basic formula, but you shouldn’t watch the damn thing and notice all that formula oozing out of the cracks. It was also cheesy. Like…extra cheesy…They might as well have cast Chester Cheetah in Clooney’s role. They did a superb job at ruining any momentum they had by peppering in little balls of cheese every few moments. It was like watching a sci-fi movie on the Lifetime channel, complete with a weird sort of old man/little robot-girl love. That has never been something that has tickled my pickle.

Overall, I think the good in Tomorrowland was outweighed by the bad. While I enjoyed the action, the way everything looked, and some of the acting, I was very much put off by the high levels of cheese and the same stupid “save the world” story I have seen eight million times before. I know it is Disney, but I have come to expect more from them…especially when someone like Clooney is involved. I give this movie two and a half out of five. It didn’t completely suck, but it sure as hell wasn’t good either. It didn’t make me want to vomit in my own eyes, but I do think I vurped at least a few times.

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