A Kool Encounter

It was a dark and stormy night
Dare I say it was the darkest, stormiest night
That ever was
I was sitting on my couch eating Funyuns
And reading a blog about grandparents who
Fart too much
Suddenly, the door crashed open
And a dark figure appeared in the threshold
Clad in red
He stomped through the doorway
Exclaiming, “Oh, yeah!” as he ripped apart
The door frame
‘Twas the Kool-Aid man there
Drunk and lusting for a chunk of
Juicy man-meat
But I would not be taken advantage of
Not by that round, dripping
Red bastard
I would not be taken by any man
Especially not a sugary drink man
With no boobs
I leapt from that couch in a flash
As onion-flavored corn crumbs showered from my lap
Like fat snow
I raced to the bedroom as fast as I could
To the safe that contained my assortment of
Shooty gun things
But that red rat bastard was swift
And his lust was as fierce as a koala’s
Need to sleep
The room shook as the fiend approached
Sending framed photos crashing like Hallmark missiles
To the ground
He was standing there just outside the door
Licking his glass lips and rubbing the belly that was
Also his face
He charged forward, his black eyes fixated on my body
As he drooled with condensation and the thought of filling me with
Diabetes
His eyes suddenly went wide with surprise
And his body began to tumble forward as he tripped on a
Well-placed boot
I dove over the bed and narrowly avoided a flood of glass
And a tidal wave of artificially-flavored metaphorical blood
As he collapsed
I had inadvertently preyed upon his greatest glass-footed weakness
As a creature that had never worn shoes or flip flops, he sure
Fell for some
I climbed discreetly over the bed in order to look at my foe
As he lay there in a hundred and two pieces, whispering softly
“Oh, yeah…”
I had beaten that enchanted mystery fluid man
At his own game of running and raping and crashing
Into shit
I smiled to myself and stretched to pat my own back
For I had defeated Kool-Aid and the diabetic violation that he had planned
For my butt
With the swiftness of a thousand ninja dolphins
I returned to my couch and began a marathon of Little House
On the Prairie
I spent that night and the seventeen that followed
Reveling in my victory and getting drunk off
Chocolate milk
Thus ends my heroic story of warfare and courage
And the lesson that all should remember the danger
Of sugar

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