Space Farts

An astronaut once asked himself
A very noble thing
Could he ruin space and time itself
If he made his butt hole sing?

“Can a fart be smelled in outer space?”
He wondered quite aloud
And then a thought popped in his head
With a force that made him proud

“I shall test this theory out for good
Then jot down my results.
I hope my colleagues will oblige
And act like good adults.”

And so he drifted through the air
Then sailed right past his friend
He grabbed her arms and let it out
So she could not defend

He let her go and she stood still
The fart seemed ineffective
He explained his plan and made her laugh
At his silly, dumb objective

But then her nose began to twitch
And her senses overloaded
She let out quite a woeful sigh
And then her head exploded

The astronaut cheered with all his might
Then used the intercom
He told Houston that he had found
A space-aged super bomb

And so the rest of that astro-trip
Was spent with great unease
The remaining folks were paranoid
Of who might cut the cheese

The Love Affair

I cannot stand to face it, dear
The secret of my past
But I must be a man of worth
And tell the truth at last

I was unfaithful, yes it’s true
For that I am ashamed
But if you saw this sexy thing
You’d say I can’t be blamed

I saw her standing in the store
One fine and sunny morning
I felt a twitch and looked to see
A boner without warning

I pushed it down and stumbled forth
Tucked deep between my thighs
But she had noticed anyway
The truth was in her eyes

She was a young and noble thing
So lovely on that shelf
Her body was synthetic fur
I could not help myself

I tried to walk away, you know
Yet it was not to be
For she was waiting patiently
To give herself to me

I picked her up into my arms
And ran from Toys “R” Us
The theft alarm began to blare
I fled onto the bus

And so my love affair began
Who knew she’d be so tight
I made sweet love to that stuffed goat
In that shitty motel light

A Message From My Soul Mate

On the very first day of my eighteenth year
I woke with a start and a pain
I gazed straight down to the home of my groin
And observed a thing most insane

Fresh ink had been drilled into my young skin
Bright black and wet in its craft
The words flowed forth from my button of belly
And down past the base of my shaft

The text was quite clear in Courier font
Remains of a late birthday bash
A message of nag from my soul mate-to-be
“Take out all the goddamn trash!”

National Day of Boobism

This poem was written in honor of the first National Day of Boobism, which is coming this Sunday (May 24th, 2015). It is the first holiday of its kind and will occur on the fourth Sunday in May of each year. Remember, Boobism is the way and the light.

The world is full of many boobs
Spread out across the lands
And many Boobist followers
With boobs upon their hands
They live a great philosophy
A mission to be wise
They worship every lady lump
Regardless of its size
For breasticles are happy things
They hang, and bounce, and dance
They spread such joy through all the world
And ruin people’s pants
Though some are flat like old pancakes
That drag upon the ground
And some are tiny little things
That make small farting sounds
Though some are huge and epic jugs
That smother all in sight
And some are pointy statue things
That never have stage fright
They all deserve the world as friends
They all need love and praise
Yes, even those still stuck inside
That weird lopsided phase
Each boob deserves the most respect
From every living thing
And everyone should recognize
The joy that they all bring
So raise a glass of chocolate milk
Each fourth Sunday in May
And celebrate with all your heart
The Boobist holiday

Treacherous Pissers

What is destroying the world today
A disgustingly careless feat
It’s committed by the evilest men
The bastards that piss on the seat
They walk willy-nilly into the restroom
And whip out their smelly ol’ dong
Then spray all their piss all over the place
As if they’re not doing it wrong
The walls are all wet and so is the floor
But the bastards do not even care
They just walk away and shake it ten times
And leave all the puddles right there
We must stop this madness and stop these great foes
From drowning us all in their piss
We’ll round them all up and improve their damn aim
With penile target practice

The Easter Burglar

A crash, a bump, a knock in the night
“What was that!?” I say in a terrible fright
I spring from my bed and turn on the light
Then crawl down the hallway ready to fight
I come to the kitchen and what do I see
But a giant pink rabbit staring at me
He’s holding some eggs and a cup full of tea
This cannot be real! It just cannot be!
He wiggles his nose and throws down a Peep
Sending smoke in the air like some pink ninja creep
I shoot the burglar dead and skin him to keep
Then I return to my room and go back to sleep

The Farter

As the world drifts through the depths of sleep
I hear a lonely woman weep
For she has lived the horrid life
Of a flatulent man’s disgusted wife

She has locked herself away at times
To escape his constant heinous crimes
His assaults have found her near and far
Yes, his powers are indeed bizarre

They say that he can kill a man
Or poison people in Japan
By squeezing and releasing gas
There is no stopping this man’s ass

He can drown small dolphins with his might
If he does not keep his butt cheeks tight
Yet he does not care who suffers death
From his wet, insidious booty breath

And so his wife lives in remorse
Of her husband’s farting tour de force
She lays awake each night and weeps
While he slowly farts himself to sleep