Sinister 2

Rating: 1.5 out of 5

My life almost ended this week in a shower of dismal, unoriginal garbage. The shit wave that consumed me was so powerful, I could feel my IQ plummet to the very depths of nothingness. I was in deep, deep trouble. In case you are wondering at this point…yes, I did see Sinister 2.

Now, I actually enjoyed the first movie. There was nothing particularly special about it, but it featured a fun demonic story and Ethan Hawke. That is about all I need in a horror movie. The sequel did not feature either of those things. In fact, it featured little more than a generic story and terribly annoying pop-out scares. I would have been more frightened watching old episodes of Designing Women.

Sinister 2 follows a young mother and her twin sons, who move into a rural house that is marked for death. They get scared…blah, blah, blah…ghost kids…crappy plot twist…dead people…blah, blah, blah. You know, typical shitty horror stuff. I did not give a shit about anyone in this movie. In fact, I wanted everyone to die within the first ten minutes so I could just go home and think about how much better life is without that movie. Come to think of it, here is a brief list of things I could have done instead of watching Sinister 2:

1. I could have had sex with my wife.
2. I could have found Waldo.
3. I could have built a fort out of Lincoln Logs.
4. I could have written a better horror movie.
5. I could have spent two hours sitting in a corner.
6. I could have drawn a clown face on the head of my penis.

The acting of the children in Sinister 2 (Robert and Dartanian Sloan) was simply terrible. It hurt. In an age where we have so many talented young actors, director Ciaran Foy had to find a set of twins that would have been better off acting as Christmas trees in an elementary school play. I’m sure they are very nice people, but I don’t care. There is no excuse for this movie’s existence. The scares were juvenile, and the plot had more holes than a block of Swiss cheese.

I don’t really know what else to say about this movie. I thought it sucked. That is about as simple a description as I can give it.

Overall, I think Sinister 2 was a poor attempt at capitalizing on a decent original. It was a cash grab, and it was unnecessary. It was yet another example of a poor quality horror movie that will justify some people’s misguided dismissal of the genre as a whole. But hey, I saw it so you don’t have to. I give it a one and a half out of five.